Why Parents Don't Like Non-Parents Parenting Takes

Parents are under pressure.

The biggest shift in my understanding of parenting since having kids is that now I understand that parenting decisions are often made under stress and time constraints.

When you aren’t a parent, parenting is something you can think about in your free time while relaxed. When you are a parent, parenting decisions often have to be made in the moment, while someone is upset, stressed, or sleep deprived.

Many non-parents takes on parenting are correct, but they miss the pressure parents are under. It is a bit like someone sitting on their couch watching a sports game and saying, “that athlete should have caught the ball.” Yes, but also try doing that after sprinting for forty-five minutes straight.

This explains why parents often become defensive when non-parents offer them advice, even when that advice is correct. Those parents feel the stress and pressure they are under is not seen by the person giving advice. They may also know they could do better, but feel shame or guilt for not being able to accomplish everything they wish they could.

If you’re not a parent, an apt comparison is the difference between what people say their “standards” are in a relationship vs. who they actually date. Someone who rants about how they “need” their partner to be high status, devoted, accomplished, etc. doesn’t always live up to their own words when they meet an attractive red flag. Many of the “standards” from which people give advice are more aspirational than practical.

This difference between what people know they should do and what they actually do is true in all domains. We all know we should eat healthy, yet people still reach for junk food when tired. We all know we should be kind to others, yet people often lash out when feeling upset. We all know we should be a good parent, yet sometimes behave reactively rather than proactively.

If you’re not a parent, you should still research parenting issues. I’m glad I learned as much as I did before becoming a parent, because it meant in those moments where there was urgency or stress, I already knew my values. Just be aware that no matter how much you research, there will be times where you are presented with a blind spot and must make the a decision without the benefit of long intellectual inquiry.

If we want parents to do better, the best way to accomplish that is by supporting them. Most criticism demoralizes more than it improves. Parents who want to do their best will be better able to make good choices when they feel relaxed and happy. This can be accomplished on the individual level through acts of kindness and service and on the societal level through changes in cultural norms and laws. Simply understanding that your new parent friends are going through a lot will ensure that whatever else you’d like to offer them is better received.