Why Calls For Therapy Are Rejected

How to respond to "get over it" or "you should do therapy."

When I was working on my documentary American Circumcision, those triggered by the issue of circumcision would tell those speaking about it to “get over it.”

“Get over it” is actually good advice. If you have trauma, you should seek to get over it. However, these people were not suggesting that I do a process of healing and integration because they were concerned for my emotional well-being. They were saying “get over it” because they were uncomfortable and wanted me to stop expressing my views and feelings so they could more easily bury their feelings of unease.

My response to “get over it” has become: “No, I’m not doing to do that for you.” This framing often produces an uncomfortable laugh, especially when said calmly with a smile. It reveals that their request wasn’t for my benefit, but theirs. It shows that I have boundaries around my own emotions and won’t silence or change them for the benefit of others. It sometimes leads to a deeper conversation, because I’m also not attempting to silence or change their feelings of discomfort. For some, it acts as a pattern interruption, causing a confused mouth-open stare as they find themselves with no programming or social script. Confusion can be a hypnotic induction, so if immediately followed with calm new programming, change is possible.

“Get over it” can take more insidious and hidden forms. One I have seen emerge in the popular culture is the suggestion that others “should do therapy.” Like the phrase “get over it,” these calls for public figures or social groups to do therapy aren’t because the person suggesting it deeply loves them and want to see them thrive, but because their behavior makes them uncomfortable and afraid.

I’ve done therapy. I’ve done many different healing methods. I recommend many of them. However, if you are suggesting that someone else “needs” therapy because their behavior makes you uncomfortable, consider that your discomfort might be your problem, not theirs, and you are the one with healing work to do.

If I had seen “therapy” used in public discourse the way it is now, I would have actively avoided it. When therapy was presented to me years ago, it was framed as a option one could chose to better understand your own feelings. The vision of therapy presented in these calls for others to get therapy isn’t about understanding, but social control. Therapy is seen as a tool to modify behavior that threatens social systems. This discourse fits philosopher Michel Foucault’s critique of psychology, where he argues hat psychology is not about self-exploration, but policing social norms and enforcing discipline and punishment on unacceptable forms of behavior and thought.

It might be that the person you are suggesting “needs therapy” would benefit from healing work. My perspective is that the majority of the planet would benefit from healing work. However, the results of healing work will be different than you expect. Someone acting in a way that others dislike is likely doing so because of their beliefs and feelings. If they become more in touch with those feelings, they might become more aligned to the behavior you dislike, not less. In my case, the more I “got over” traumas, the more confidently I could speak about them. I became more out-spoken, not less. If others experienced the same, I doubt those saying they “need therapy” would be happy with this outcome.

The question to ask around any call for healing work is: who is this for? If someone believes they have a problem and seeks help for that problem, it is for them. If the “therapy” is for the benefit of others, it is social control. The reason many avoid therapy is that they accurately recognize that therapy is used as a tool of social control in public discourse and have a need for freedom. If you want healing work to appeal to them, it must be done in a way that respects their autonomy and self-determination, rather than impose the therapist or societies vision of who they should be.

If you are someone who has previously avoided healing work due to the popular discourse around therapy, consider that it could make you more of who you are rather than less. “Getting over it” might mean that you can now advocate for what is important to you without any emotional charge or residual pain. Healing work won’t make you someone else. It will remove the impediments to your authentic self so you can become more of who you are. If a particular form of advocacy or self-expression is a part of your truth, healing will strengthen it.